Just wanted to point out a personal trend: Many who chided me back in the early 2000s for not having already married D are now either divorced or in ailing marriages. “Why won’t you marry him, Maitri? You either know or don’t know if he is The One. If he is, do it. If not, leave.” I won’t get into how narrow-minded a concept The One is when you haven’t lived on more than one continent, forget in more than one country. But this: Maybe you find the right person, immediately marry and live happily ever after. And perhaps, like me, you require a trial by fire or two before settling in for the long haul. We work out or we don’t, as we envision or not, but all of this is determined by individual circumstance and not the will of the hive mind.
I wanted to marry D five minutes after I met him, mind you. Still, I’m glad we waited.
There is another phenomenon at work in my case: I didn’t have to “put a ring on it”.
The two of us are educated, young, urban professionals, committed to our careers, friendships, and, yes, our relationships. But we know that legally tying down those unions won’t make or break them. Women now constitute a majority of the workforce; we“re more educated, less religious, and living longer, with vacuum cleaners and washing machines to make domestic life easier. We“re also the breadwinners (or co-breadwinners) in two thirds of American families. In 2010, we know most spousal rights can be easily established outside of the law, and that Americans are cohabiting, happily, in record numbers. We have our own health care and 401(k)s and no longer need a marriage license to visit our partners in the hospital. For many of us, marriage doesn’t even mean a tax break.
… Turns out that waiting is a good idea: for every year we put off marriage, our chances of divorce go down. Which brings us to this question: if you’re going to wait, why do it at all? Like a fifth of young Americans, we identify as secular. We know that having children out of wedlock lost its stigma a long time ago.
The joke between D and me is I married him simply to shorten my last name down to an easy five letters.
