I’ve often opined that Hindus are the lost tribe of Israel.Â Our self-righteousness, paranoia, orthodoxy, financial parsimony and big noses are too eerily similar to overlook.Â Just the way both parties keep kosher is a dead giveaway.Â Once this SatireWire piece came out, it was only a matter ofÂ seconds before I plotted world domination via the new religion of HinJewism and all the Ganeshlichkeit it entails.Â Â Soon, aÂ kindred spirit came along in the form of the NOLA Bloggers’ resident Jewish mamaleh, Liprap.Â She said, “I know the Slaechter-Viswanaths!” and there stood the Mordecai to my Manikantan.Â Empress Of The Known (And Yet Uncharted) Universe, here I come.
The cultural power of HinJewism does not appealÂ merely to me, it seems.Â Liprap told me of a growing phenomenon chronicled inÂ Jennifer 8. Lee’sÂ The Fortune Cookie Chronicles:
I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of Hinjew weddings between my Indian and Jewish friends.Â Sometimes, they walk around the fire and then stomp on the glass.Â Hip-hop artists like Dr Dre and Jay-Z have sampled Indian bhangra rhythms.Â Chrismukkah has been elevated to pop culture status with its appearance on The O.C. and tongue-in-cheek products like matzo-bread houses and menorah-emblazoned Christmas-tree ornaments.
As anyone who is following along and doing the math can now attest, there is a little HinJew in each one of us.Â Yes, Yes!Â Like kudzu, HinJewism will conquer all in its path!Â But, note that I wish only to be your benevolent High Priestess (come by with aÂ plate of hot samosas, a nice bottle ofÂ Merlot, some hamentasch for dessertÂ and a cleaning person every once in a while and I’ll be alright) andÂ not leave running the operationÂ to an unimaginative, rabid and male-dominated oligarchy.Â The problem with HinJewism is, as with any religion, it has already fallen prey to the right-wing batshit crazies of the world.Â Observe Dinga Dinga Dee:
Trying to find purchase in India, an Israeli weapons manufacturer produced the above Bolly-bomination and recently featured it at the Indian defense ministry’s annual air show.Â I’m sure the (lack of) reasoning went something like, “We hate the Arab Muslims, you hate the subcontinent’s Muslims, they are the root of all of our problems and this is why you should buy missiles from us.Â Â Explosions and collateral damage makeÂ everything better!”Â Â
And, I’ll bet you $5 that, by tomorrow, every god-fearing, patriotic Hindu in India will have one of these contraptionsÂ planted in his courtyard’s tulsi madam.Â Because, as you know, all Indians are womenÂ who danceÂ in navel-revealing ghagra-choli outfits around Strong Israeli Man and his surface-to-air missile, while, as Ultrabrown observes, “Hanuman in the corner is obviously a reference to burning Lanka Lebanon.”Â And Dinga Dinga Dee?!Â What in the name of Yah-Shiva does that mean?
As Grand Loving Dictator of HinJewism, I will never insult you like this.Â Â Choose meÂ in November.