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Day 1291: The Dark Side Of HinJewism

I’ve often opined that Hindus are the lost tribe of Israel.  Our self-righteousness, paranoia, orthodoxy, financial parsimony and big noses are too eerily similar to overlook.  Just the way both parties keep kosher is a dead giveaway.  Once this SatireWire piece came out, it was only a matter of seconds before I plotted world domination via the new religion of HinJewism and all the Ganeshlichkeit it entails.  Soon, a kindred spirit came along in the form of the NOLA Bloggers’ resident Jewish mamaleh, Liprap.  She said, “I know the Slaechter-Viswanaths!” and there stood the Mordecai to my Manikantan.  Empress Of The Known (And Yet Uncharted) Universe, here I come.

The cultural power of HinJewism does not appeal merely to me, it seems.  Liprap told me of a growing phenomenon chronicled in Jennifer 8. Lee’s The Fortune Cookie Chronicles:

I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of Hinjew weddings between my Indian and Jewish friends.  Sometimes, they walk around the fire and then stomp on the glass.  Hip-hop artists like Dr Dre and Jay-Z have sampled Indian bhangra rhythms.  Chrismukkah has been elevated to pop culture status with its appearance on The O.C. and tongue-in-cheek products like matzo-bread houses and menorah-emblazoned Christmas-tree ornaments.

As anyone who is following along and doing the math can now attest, there is a little HinJew in each one of us.  Yes, Yes!  Like kudzu, HinJewism will conquer all in its path!  But, note that I wish only to be your benevolent High Priestess (come by with a plate of hot samosas, a nice bottle of Merlot, some hamentasch for dessert and a cleaning person every once in a while and I’ll be alright) and not leave running the operation to an unimaginative, rabid and male-dominated oligarchy.  The problem with HinJewism is, as with any religion, it has already fallen prey to the right-wing batshit crazies of the world.  Observe Dinga Dinga Dee:

Trying to find purchase in India, an Israeli weapons manufacturer produced the above Bolly-bomination and recently featured it at the Indian defense ministry’s annual air show.  I’m sure the (lack of) reasoning went something like, “We hate the Arab Muslims, you hate the subcontinent’s Muslims, they are the root of all of our problems and this is why you should buy missiles from us.  Explosions and collateral damage make everything better!”  

And, I’ll bet you $5 that, by tomorrow, every god-fearing, patriotic Hindu in India will have one of these contraptions planted in his courtyard’s tulsi madam.  Because, as you know, all Indians are women who dance  in navel-revealing ghagra-choli outfits around Strong Israeli Man and his surface-to-air missile, while, as Ultrabrown observes, “Hanuman in the corner is obviously a reference to burning Lanka Lebanon.”  And Dinga Dinga Dee?!  What in the name of Yah-Shiva does that mean?

As Grand Loving Dictator of HinJewism, I will never insult you like this.  Choose me in November.

4 comments… add one
  • liprap March 11, 2009, 1:31 PM

    Hey, at least you don’t have Amalek running through your veins:


    I vote for us to jointly head a Union of Reform HinJewism, along with a committee made up of those who fully advocate combining Purim and Holi in one big klezbhangra mishmash. Only then can we fully explore our mutual core beliefs and values without a rabbinic authority telling us we need to contemplate mass suicide to blot out the Amalekite within.

    Oh, and that’s the Schaechter-Viswanaths. Nothing like having a family in one’s circle that speaks fluent English, Tamil, and Yiddish!

  • GentillyGirl March 11, 2009, 3:13 PM

    I’ll vote for you in November.

    Now the Church of Our Lady of Gentilly would like to negotiate a non-combat agreement.

  • Maitri March 11, 2009, 4:14 PM

    Liprap: Does southjerusalem.com realize they reprinted a spoof? It must have been the Purim boozing. Then again, our combined people are known to display a sense of humor from time to time.

    I also just found out that hamantaschen are Haman cookies. You’re all eating the cookies of the enemy. But, that’s kinda what you’re supposed to do on Purim, right? Weird.

    D and I love Yiddish (he does great impressions of the rabbis he’s known), and he speaks English while I speak Tamil. That’s it, my kids are going to have to learn Yiddish and Tamil to rule the world.

    Gentilly Girl: Always, eternally, forever a peace accord between your church and my temple.

  • liprap March 11, 2009, 6:18 PM

    Oh, of course! That sort of spoofery is a part of Purim.

    What’s funny is I totally punk’d my cell bio tech mom with that thing. She sent me an email about how tough it was to get an article in “Nature” and the likelihood of Amalekites’ and Israelites’ DNA merging being very high…and then she clicked on the Nature link. Oops! Happy Purim! Hee hee!

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