Ever since Katrina, the death of D’s mother a few months after that, and now with my grandmother’s passing, I’ve pondered the utter lemon that is life followed by death. What do I mean? You’re born, you do so much, make somewhat of a difference in your life, touch the lives of others, become a better or, at the least, older and experienced person, and then you die. Moksha, nirvana, karma, heaven and hell are all fine and dandy, but I want it and I want it now! You still don’t capisce? Follow along with what I wrote my friend, Joel, in reply to his condolences:
“You, of all people, being Jewish and terribly sensitive to these things, may recognize that it’s hard to observe the body’s decline. Those like you and me, steeped in the knowledge of our roots back to God, are so attached to family, stories, abilities and elders that, when they pass on, a living tenet of who you are, and I don’t mean a part of you, goes with them.
“My grandmother was so energetic, so talkative, so capable (crochet pieces she made me at the age of 90 with failing eyes sit here waiting to be framed) and so mighty. And the life graph plummeted in the last few months leading to her sudden death. Poof. Gone. Vanished.
“I can’t call after her with, ‘Wait, there are so many unanswered questions. Tell me more about Dad when he was a child. What did you like most about my Grandpa? What is your favorite color? Just talk to me some more.’ It’s so final, so stiflingly final, that even a download of her brain before death could not mirror the affection and affectations she infused in her stories. The way I sat at her feet and she rubbed the palm of my hand when imparting those tales, the pride I felt when she told me how much like my mother I look, the loving glances she gave my father … who records that? Where is the justice in the world losing that? Why are we made to love and attach, and equally fragile and mortal? Death is so bloody frustrating that way.”
Of course, as a Hindu and a Vedantin, my head-heart-soul complex understands impermanence. But, just because I get it doesn’t mean I have to like it. This is the portion of the program when I equally appreciate my attachment to people and yearn for my doctor brother’s clinical outlook on being and everythingness.
