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Wherein I Review “Defiance” Season 1 Episode 1

Wherein I Review “Defiance” Season 1 Episode 1 post image

Post-apocalyptic earth. Disaffected teenage half-human-half-Minbari (HHHM) chick and Malcolm Reynolds are on their way to scavenge space discoballs that fall to earth. Steampunk-decked half-human-half-Minbari discover and attempt to kill them all Mad-Max-gang style but Pouty HHHM Girl and Mal run into the forest and are attacked by RUSS. Shtako! Marshall Bullock shows up in time and takes the heroes back to Deadwood where Dirty Dancing plays out in the Zocalo with a purple-haired albino vampire as Johnny Castle. Then, Voldemort kills Cedric Diggory in the Forbidden Forest and Mal has sex with Trixie (you’re welcome). Albino Vampire Johnny Castle is suspected of the murder and a fight erupts at the Gem Saloon in which Marshall Bullock is killed and there’s a new sheriff in town (“His name is Reggie Hammond. Y’all be cool. Right on!”) Obviously New Sheriff Mal tracks down Cedric’s killer by momentarily turning into Jonny Lee Miller Plays Sherlock Holmes while Pouty Mongo has a heart to heart with Deputy Bart. Then, Aegon Targaryen has sex with Lady Cersei Macbeth in the bath. Turns out Mayor Olson’s shtako assistant – the lovechild of Max Headroom and Hellraiser Minus The Pins – is a traitor who works for unseen forces that want Deadwood destroyed for whatever reason. After he deactivates the force field around Deadwood and lies dying, Pinheadroom Minus Pins warns that the Nazgul are going to attack with orcs and Decepticons in tow. Mayor Olson finds her ovaries (and security horse blanket) and convinces everyone to stay and fight. The Decepticons easily scale the shtako walls of Helm’s Deep, but are inexplicably shot dead like Stormtroopers once again rendering their heavy armor completely moot other than to look somewhat badass. Pouty HHHM Girl comes back with the Rohirrim steampunk-alien-Mad-Max gang and they rout the enemy from the rear. The Witch King of Angmar knocks Pouty HHHM Girl off her bike at which time she so badly wants to yell, “I am no man!” and shiv him but is rudely interrupted by Deputy Bart. Shtako. Shortly thereafter, the disco ball that another female Pinhead Minus Pins couldn’t get to work until now detonates and obliterates every creature in the valley except for the good guys. Mayor Olson takes a bullet but recovers and peace is temporarily restored to Deadwood. A clandestine meeting in Dr. Loveless’s railcar reveals that Morpheus and the Oracle are really the bad guys or emissaries thereof. Dun dun shtako duuuun. Stay tuned.

Cameos by a bunch of albinos of House Harkonnen, the orangutans from Planet Of The Apes, Abe Sapien on steroids and the Lorax. Excellent soundtrack by one Mr. Bear McCreary. Also shtako shtako shtako shtako shtako.

This post brought to you by way too much exposure to popular fictional books, television and film and Vicks, the makers of NyQuil.

P.S. Will I continue to watch the show? I am definitely giving it a few more episodes to stand on its legs. Furthermore, guest appearances by BSG cast members have been promised.

3 comments… add one

  • Anita June 9, 2013, 2:30 PM

    This is an absolute riot–you must have had a ghastly cold!

  • Blair June 9, 2013, 6:24 PM

    Sounds like a Stephenson subplot

    • Maitri June 11, 2013, 1:46 PM

      Everyone thinks they’re Tolkien, including Stephenson, Martin, you name it. Sure, the concept of The Quest is timeless and universal, and what work isn’t derivative? As D says, however, the show so far seems long on action and short on character development. This is something Deadwood and Battlestar Galactica did well and VERY EARLY ON.

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