According to John, Man Dies From Battle Dancing is currently the big story on CNN Headline News. America is at war, people are starving and the first named Atlantic tropical disturbance gyrates off the coast of Georgia three months prematurely, but “apparently it’s newsworthy that if you do acrobatic moves and fall on your head on a hard surface, you can injure or kill yourself.”
Where was CNN when I proved at the age of 1, and in a most spectacular fashion, that conducting acrobatic maneuvers off hard surfaces and falling on your head is hazardous to one’s health? I invented battle dancing before it even had a poser name, y’eard? Follow.
Start of memory. Nadia Elena Comaneci was all the rage in the Summer Olympics of 1976 and I was her #1 Fan. So much so that I followed along with the Romanian wonder’s every move, pirouetting, twisting and writhing with a lot more precision and force than that crappy hurricane out there right now. During one competition, Nadia prepared for her final dismount from the balance beam. As my poor, unsuspecting parents glued their eyes to our television set, I launched into an aerial cartwheel off the dining table and caught some interesting views of the interior of the dining room for a split second (too young to have life flash before eyes). Except that I didn’t land on my feet but on my head, and simply lay there with a dazed look on my face. To the thunderous sounds of applause for Nadia’s Perfect 10 performance, my parents screamed in horror, scooped me off the floor and rushed me to the emergency room. End of memory.
Thus was born the sport of battle dancing. Where were CNN and the cameras then, I ask you? I was robbed.